Midnight Demons and Morning Angels

I awaken many weeknights these days in utter terror. I'd like to blame it on mid-life hormones, but I know better. On the weekends, I make up for it, sometimes sleeping 10 hours at a stretch with no problems. Clearly I do not have sleep issues. The weeknight demons are playing with me again.

I've written many times about the bright side of dark panic, which for me, usually means I am on the cusp of a creative streak or a personal growth. Sometimes, in the still of the wee hours, the sounds of the refrigerator humming or the dog snoring are magnified and I focus on them and come back to earth. To now.

Other times, it's words that tether me to now. Writing them. Reading them. Remembering the power of just a single sentence, a touch, a look, or a great idea conveyed in random symbols reassembled in my racing brain that say, "You are here. It's okay."

After I've done the relaxation breaths, hugged my dog and had a mug of warm milk, I turn to the words. I had no intention of writing through tonight's midnight demons, so I read others' words. Just two hours ago a dear friend mentioned my name on Facebook. She said, "Their authenticities (including my name with two other writers I respect deeply) yield a wealth of magic."

Wow, someone said something beautiful about my words. My words made a difference to another. Really? Yes, really. Okay, then.

I read the sentence again. And again. Yep, it's really there. I am not delirious with panic. The words are really there. Someone else is awake. I touched someone. Wow.

So, I'll just keep at it, trying my best, telling the truth as I see it and seeing if perhaps the beauty of another's words in my dark moments might provide a piece of driftwood in the swift current of my mind.

I hang on and float.

Midnight demons float dowstream and morning angels awaken.

Comments

[Renee' Andrews]

I love reading both your blog and your site. Each time I am amazed at how you look at difficult issues and handle them.I may not have what you do, but I have been trying to deal with my own deamons for my whole life.

You make me feel inspired to look for solutions, the right ones, to help me learn more about my illness and how to relearn the right way of working with the different aspects of the illness. I have found a place that I believe will be the second stepping stone on my journey.I have an assessment with them on March 7th and should be starting their DBT program (generically defined in Wikipedia)either that week or the next.

I have spent hours trying to figure out "the next step" in what to do with my time. You are a writer and are using that to bring you back. I like numbers, so I have dug out my old text books for college math and am going to begin working my way through them.

Thank you for not only being someone I look up to, but in being my inspiration Ann!